No access!!

In Beijing...now. Can't write blog coz the whole of China blocked access to it. Blog will resume at the end of the year

complimentary from singapore airport

didntk now that therei s free interent in the airport,

short post,

 MISS U GUYS LOTS and... thank you so much to those who send me messages once again...

 time being message my kl number...

 its on roaming,,,,,,

mmm

SO ...not excited,,,, don exactly know what sort of emotions are runnign all over but...

 most n part still  M I  S E R A B L E .....sigh... thannks to ....someone.

got to go now guys...

 i hope i get internet soon!

 but in the mean time dont give up on this page,,,, hahaha BUMER....

im getting my old self back......im not gonna let ppl bully me and put me down like that anymore.

if you think all i have ever done was only bad too bad you didnt see the good.

if all the memories were sad.... jsut too bad you forgot those wonderful ones....

u know why???

CAUSE I REMEMBER... i erased the bad ones....

BYE

goodbye everyone

goodbye everyone this is gonna be the last post i can write until i get internet access in beijing

 i dontk now how long that will be

thank you too all my friends who send me good bye messages.

Thank you.

Im trying hard to pack...

 the beautiful trip i was thinking bout..... is actually beggining to be really miserable.......

BUt then again

I THANK GOD FOR ALL THE OTHER THINGS THAT I STIL HAVE> I WILL STILL LOVE U GOD>> AND I KNOW ONLY U WILL BE THERE FOR ME ALWAYS>>> i should spend my time loving you instead of ....argh argh whoever.... and i thank you for all those ppl you sent to me in times of desperation and misery... and turmoil.

vincent.... thanks *hug* for the support the past few days.... no one i have ever known is like u.

BYE everyone......  ill contact you guys as soon as i know how i can be contacted....

GOODBYE>>>>

heartA and heart B

my calls have went unanswered

and my messages unreplied....

and i have been blocked on msn

and my emails probably read and not bothered.

i have cried and felt the pain as much as

i have laughed and have been filled with joy,

some hearts when left too long to bleed will not heal

i know mine wont,

after some time we all know that it will die.

when that part of me is gone.

i know there is no turning back.

i prayed to GOd today while i was sobbing behind a cupboard

i said GOD,

i know i dont deserve you being good to me and i know i dont deserve him being good to me to,

but if you can,

can you please take this pain away?

i know i never learn not to open my heart

and i know i should have built walls around it to protect me,

but he was like an angel...

and sometimes i wanted to trust,

i know i maybe praying and hoping in vain,

and i know that day may never come,

i know sometimes just your pure heart

doesnt mean more than a name.

but dear God please bless he who i am tearing for,

for my heart holds no grudges, and it wont hate,

he holds a special place,

 that no one can invade,

since i have already let him in,

 why not bless him too.

i know he has many dreams and hopes

and i pray he makes it.

maybe one day when GOd lets me,

i will see what i have prayed for

become true.

Amen.

the truth to be told

now i know that it isnt me annoying someone

in fact i dont even know why but im sure this is the last time you gonna talk to me.

i now remember why i nvr wanted to open my heart and my thoughts to anyone... now i remember its a bit too late yeah?

now i remember why i nvr trust peoples words when they say they will be there for me.... because many times they leave me to more hurt when that time comes.

now i remember why i stop crying over my friends and boyfriends because the hurt is too far deep...

now i remember whoever who says they will never leave you in the lurch are those who leave you first.

now i think of you.

whenever i remember these things i will think of you.

someone i talked to said : yeah if *** really cared bout you he wouldnt do this to you... especially not now...

 u think i dont know? i knwo and that hurts more.

After giving everything i possibily could.... now i get back all the hurt i possibly can.

in the most cruel way, i cant even drop a tear....

i have to take it like it doesnt even matter to me when god knows it does.

u said i dont need to know the reason or i will know it someday if i am meant to know... and i guess i will never know if you never say

 but if all i deserved was an SMS that said pretty much a lot already.

i dont want to be someone elses replacement or helper nanny whatever anymore.... i dont want to be hurt when  U dont need me anymore.

U dont need me anymore and... the only thing i deserved was one sms.

i feel stupid i feel dumb i feel frustrated but most of all i feel hurt.

i dont deserve an explanation i dont deserve a call i dont deserve even an apology. I deserved an sms.

this will be a new lesson to my heart. care for another human being and you will hurt. This is what you taught me too. you told me that if i cared bout my friends the way i did i would hurt. yeah i know your example is by far the best.

half of me wanna give you a big hug and tell you everything is gonna be ok... but another half of me wants to beat you to death.

someone else said : SEE i told you all those ppl you love so much... told you they are useless and they are going to hurt you.

i hate to say it but i know its true. I wish i can stab myself to death.

i have tears streamin down my cheek but i have to wipe it away quickly. there is blood oozing from my heart but i have to suck it in quickly.

i know deep down why this is happening and i know its not you being nice or noble. Its you being selfish again. i know. i know its you wanting something more than something you had. i know that the the stupid asshole me is gonna let you do it because im just dumb. I rather take it on my own then to let you suffer. i wanna say go and die to myself cause i deserve to be bitched slapped and someone tell me im worth more than that pls.

i have two days left to be contacted.... after these two days i will put everythign in a little bottle. and send it in a mail. and from that day onwards..... what you knew wouldnt be what there is to know anymore.

so much tears i want to cry.... i have to cry... but they cant get out of my eyes.