athena_101's Xanga

No access!!

Sun, 06 May 2007 11:43:46 GMT

In Beijing...now. Can't write blog coz the whole of China blocked access to it. Blog will resume at the end of the year

complimentary from singapore airport

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 23:47:16 GMT

didntk now that therei s free interent in the airport,

short post,

MISS U GUYS LOTS and... thank you so much to those who send me messages once again...

time being message my kl number...

its on roaming,,,,,,

mmm

SO ...not excited,,,, don exactly know what sort of emotions are runnign all over but...

most n part still M I S E R A B L E .....sigh... thannks to ....someone.

got to go now guys...

i hope i get internet soon!

but in the mean time dont give up on this page,,,, hahaha BUMER....

im getting my old self back......im not gonna let ppl bully me and put me down like that anymore.

if you think all i have ever done was only bad too bad you didnt see the good.

if all the memories were sad.... jsut too bad you forgot those wonderful ones....

u know why???

CAUSE I REMEMBER... i erased the bad ones....

BYE

goodbye everyone

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 11:53:10 GMT

goodbye everyone this is gonna be the last post i can write until i get internet access in beijing

i dontk now how long that will be

thank you too all my friends who send me good bye messages.

Thank you.

Im trying hard to pack...

the beautiful trip i was thinking bout..... is actually beggining to be really miserable.......

BUt then again

I THANK GOD FOR ALL THE OTHER THINGS THAT I STIL HAVE> I WILL STILL LOVE U GOD>> AND I KNOW ONLY U WILL BE THERE FOR ME ALWAYS>>> i should spend my time loving you instead of ....argh argh whoever.... and i thank you for all those ppl you sent to me in times of desperation and misery... and turmoil.

vincent.... thanks *hug* for the support the past few days.... no one i have ever known is like u.

BYE everyone...... ill contact you guys as soon as i know how i can be contacted....

GOODBYE>>>>

heartA and heart B

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 01:59:11 GMT

my calls have went unanswered

and my messages unreplied....

and i have been blocked on msn

and my emails probably read and not bothered.

i have cried and felt the pain as much as

i have laughed and have been filled with joy,

some hearts when left too long to bleed will not heal

i know mine wont,

after some time we all know that it will die.

when that part of me is gone.

i know there is no turning back.

i prayed to GOd today while i was sobbing behind a cupboard

i said GOD,

i know i dont deserve you being good to me and i know i dont deserve him being good to me to,

but if you can,

can you please take this pain away?

i know i never learn not to open my heart

and i know i should have built walls around it to protect me,

but he was like an angel...

and sometimes i wanted to trust,

i know i maybe praying and hoping in vain,

and i know that day may never come,

i know sometimes just your pure heart

doesnt mean more than a name.

but dear God please bless he who i am tearing for,

for my heart holds no grudges, and it wont hate,

he holds a special place,

that no one can invade,

since i have already let him in,

why not bless him too.

i know he has many dreams and hopes

and i pray he makes it.

maybe one day when GOd lets me,

i will see what i have prayed for

become true.

Amen.

the truth to be told

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 14:21:20 GMT

now i know that it isnt me annoying someone

in fact i dont even know why but im sure this is the last time you gonna talk to me.

i now remember why i nvr wanted to open my heart and my thoughts to anyone... now i remember its a bit too late yeah?

now i remember why i nvr trust peoples words when they say they will be there for me.... because many times they leave me to more hurt when that time comes.

now i remember why i stop crying over my friends and boyfriends because the hurt is too far deep...

now i remember whoever who says they will never leave you in the lurch are those who leave you first.

now i think of you.

whenever i remember these things i will think of you.

someone i talked to said : yeah if *** really cared bout you he wouldnt do this to you... especially not now...

u think i dont know? i knwo and that hurts more.

After giving everything i possibily could.... now i get back all the hurt i possibly can.

in the most cruel way, i cant even drop a tear....

i have to take it like it doesnt even matter to me when god knows it does.

u said i dont need to know the reason or i will know it someday if i am meant to know... and i guess i will never know if you never say

but if all i deserved was an SMS that said pretty much a lot already.

i dont want to be someone elses replacement or helper nanny whatever anymore.... i dont want to be hurt when U dont need me anymore.

U dont need me anymore and... the only thing i deserved was one sms.

i feel stupid i feel dumb i feel frustrated but most of all i feel hurt.

i dont deserve an explanation i dont deserve a call i dont deserve even an apology. I deserved an sms.

this will be a new lesson to my heart. care for another human being and you will hurt. This is what you taught me too. you told me that if i cared bout my friends the way i did i would hurt. yeah i know your example is by far the best.

half of me wanna give you a big hug and tell you everything is gonna be ok... but another half of me wants to beat you to death.

someone else said : SEE i told you all those ppl you love so much... told you they are useless and they are going to hurt you.

i hate to say it but i know its true. I wish i can stab myself to death.

i have tears streamin down my cheek but i have to wipe it away quickly. there is blood oozing from my heart but i have to suck it in quickly.

i know deep down why this is happening and i know its not you being nice or noble. Its you being selfish again. i know. i know its you wanting something more than something you had. i know that the the stupid asshole me is gonna let you do it because im just dumb. I rather take it on my own then to let you suffer. i wanna say go and die to myself cause i deserve to be bitched slapped and someone tell me im worth more than that pls.

i have two days left to be contacted.... after these two days i will put everythign in a little bottle. and send it in a mail. and from that day onwards..... what you knew wouldnt be what there is to know anymore.

so much tears i want to cry.... i have to cry... but they cant get out of my eyes.

HEARTBROKEN

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 09:20:22 GMT

just stab me in the heart and let me die.

im mad at myself

why do i have to go and annoy people until people dont wanna talk to me anymore??

STUPId little bitch... u deserve it

another sick and sickening day

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 09:08:33 GMT

I am seeing my doctor a bit too often.... even he says so...

last week i saw him for a stomach flu and today i went to see him because i was having an extraordinary fever... haha nola ordinary fever.... 38.8... thats quite and ordinary fever rite? anyways at first i thought i had a different sorta infection when i went to toilet and it hurt... so imagine me going to the toilet 7 times in an hour last night. Anyways the doctor said that i am suffereing from a stomach infection. SO it makes me puke, purge and run a fever.... but probably my tonsils swelling is a different thing altogether.

Last night was like a nightmare that i couldnt wake up from....

I wanted to sleep rite but i cant fall asleep... i was so worried. u know why?

Because ken wouldnt answer my calls and reply my messages and sylvia said ken didnt answer her calls to.... i was so worried.....

there were so many thoughts in my head at that time....

at first i thought.... what if ken met an accident!!.... CHOI i know but ... could be what since its unusual ken nvr reply my message lo

then i thought maybe ken jsut slept the whole day... but how can someone sleep the whole day!

anyways ... at least i know that ken is safe now cause he called and met sylvia today.

ken just purposely avoiding me... " i will talk to her after i settle something" ....

i am gonna reserve my comments on that sentence to a very personal entry u know why? cause im gonna vent all my frustration there its not gonna sound nice of course..... I am so tempted to say bullshit... but then im gonna not say it out cause i need to take care of my rising temperature now.

Literally... rising temperature.

OH and thank you for all those ppl who sent me messages and wishing me a safe trip and get well soon. THank you very much appreciated.

oh and the visa ppl " sorry we cant get your visa in today." again.... again... she said maybe tommorrow... so maybe i will go in tommorrow and get my visa done on thursday....

i pray that nothign screws up anymore...cause as it is... life for me now is bittersweet already.....

u know what i like about fevers? u loose all sensation... and thinking... u r like a numb person.... hahaha i like being numb i guess.... without havin to drink..... natural numbness.....

if i had a car now.... u knwo what i would do? i would drive to a nearby shore and shout my lungs out.....

oh i havent even wrote about my get sick story and the towel story.

my aunty thinks im sick because i went to watch a movie with my brother the other day. THats her analysis cause cinemas are full of germs and thats how i got sick. TO me that has to be the most ridiculous thing to even accuse me off but of course as always i will just take it in. Ridiculous world.....

The towel story is far more interesting...

last week when i came to singapore i took a towel from the cupboard and took my bathe. Few days later i got scolded cause apparently i have used a forbidden towel which is my aunts personal towel . TO my defence i said " but you were sick and sleeping so i jsut took a towel from the cupboard" and she said " im sick and sleeping but not dead you can still ask me"

ok fine so when this week it was changing towel time again.... of course i had a fear of choosing the wrong towel rite?

and as fate would have had it she was sleeping on the couch again. so i took a towel and woke her up and ask her whether i could use that one. she screamed at me and said she already took one out for me./.... which obviuosly wasnt true. so i went back to the cupboard for a nother 20 minutes in agony and took another one... that was alreayd hangin there it was a donal duck kiddish one and my gut feeling was that that for sure is not mine. But my cousins all said " but since she said she took out for you already hor maybe its that one... jstu use la dont wake her up" ......

but of course i was too afraid so i woke her up and to ask her one more time. WRong move la.... got scolded " can you stop disturbing me!!!!"

sian la so i used that donal duck towel even though my gut feeling told me its wrong....

in the middle of the night got woken up and soclded cause of the wrong towel again.......

...i dont even wanna tell the rest of the story with compromises of scolding only.........

EXASPERATED... WHY IS EVERYONE ACTING LIKE THAT? OR IS IT ME THATS JUST ANNOYING? OK I THINK IM ANNOYING SO DONT BOTHER ME.

another teenager side of me..

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 07:52:12 GMT

i am really sorry but i so do like daniel wu.... and i am sometimes ocasionally obsessed!....

OH im falling in LOVE all over again... with my perfect on screen man..... .....

i know WTF rite... hahah too bad... dig it

its boring.....

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 06:11:28 GMT

this is hot... DROOLSS........

this could be...... (haha)

THIS FOR SURE NOT!!!..... wilson sent me a picture of us many years ago yesterday...

MY GAWD>>> i look so terrible la!!! look at that HAIR!!! Geez.........

maybe few years later i will look back at me now and hopefully i still think i dont look that bad....

GOSH GOSH GOSH

gatherings

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 15:03:29 GMT

small gathering/ dinner/ and catching up....

Lots of catching has to be done i guess when you havent seen each other for two years! i guess janice, and esta is sure gonna say that their faces finally appear here! YIPEE! ... and ren hao i think doesnt come here often.... and rachel , u left too early .... before we started camera whoring......BUT.... its still the best present yet since i came back. !

THANK U GUYS ......

JAnice and esta ... THank you for the book!!! hehe although the funny thing is i bought the same book a month ago , nevertheless thanks a million darlins!!! it was really so so so sweet... and thoughtful not to mention. THAnks *teardrops* ....

After all the weird stuff in between im surprise and so glad that our friendship has blossomed... and became so much better ......god blessed....

group PIc!

me n jan, first picture in two years together

My favourite picture... hehe im like a princess tonight

me n adorable ren hao... hehe daniel see la you nvr take leave from camp if not got your picture.

our touristy pic.... heheh at Plaza singapura...

will miss you guys hope and cros my fingers i can meet up with you guys on tuesday night .......